‘Drink baby drink,’ before the party’s over

By RON BROCHU

In the simplistic doll parts world of Sarah Palin, let’s “drink baby drink” on New Year’s Eve. We’re about to board the pain train, and our sensibilities best be numb when Robin Washington and Ken Buehler stoke it toward 2009 at 130 miles per hour.

So far, a trillion-dollar bailout hasn’t derailed the Hell-Bound Express. Even the confidence that accompanies a new president hasn’t generated much hope. So grim is the approaching crash that grown men lay awake at night fearing their snow machines might be repossessed by gun-toting bankers just before a long winter weekend. Even worse, a growing number of jobless households can no longer afford Viagara, thrusting America into a future bereft of drug- induced pleasure – as if the loss of fake wealth wasn’t bad enough.

Sans a miracle, there’s nothing “Happy” to be associated with the coming “New Year,” not even in Lake Wobegon. With the threat of ED constantly blasted into our ears by flaccid television hucksters, including athletes we had envisioned as macho, we haven’t noticed that foreign pawn brokers are buying America for pennies on the dollar, launching a bloodless coup more dangerous than anything al-Qaida has fired our way.

But that’s not a concern in Duluth. The local fear is that neither Asian nor Arab entrepreneurs are stepping forward to deconstruct Great Lakes Aquarium. Their cash is badly needed to recast the sad rubble into wide boulevards on which East Enders can more-recklessly speed through Duluth Heights en route to the mall. After all, we wouldn’t want to blemish Lakeside with hideous commercial development, particularly stores that sell fermented beverages. Better to quarantine such trade in neighborhoods occupied by winos and other blue-collar rummies.

The horror! The horror!

Yes, this will be a challenging year in the Great White North.

• The city of Duluth will struggle from state funding cuts. Union employees will continue to whine about the loss of “work,” a refined way of saying “we want our stinking money!” and we don't give a damn if it thrusts Duluth into bankruptcy. They’ll refuse to acknowledge the revenue shortfall or accept any responsibility to formulate a solution, but instead will blame Mayor Don Ness, his predecessors, successors, friends and relatives. Taxpayers, however, will remain unsympathetic.
  
  
• School Board members will continue to ignore constituents and build Cadillac schools in a Chevy district. Mindlessly following constructionist Keith Dixon, just as they mindlessly followed Julio Almanza’s inert agenda, they will mimic bobbleheads every time the superintendent sentences taxpayers to fund expensive capital experiments and other poorly studied schemes that even teachers deem ridiculous.
  
  
• If the stars align, cash-strapped Duluthians might start listening when Gov. Tim Pawlenty waxes indignant about excessive local spending. Finally hit in the pocketbook, taxpayers may finally begin to question why so much municipal money is spent on non-essential services while their neighborhoods become more dangerous by the day and streets crumble underfoot.
  
  
• An unprofessional core of St. Louis County commissioners will continue to behave like pubescent boys. To demonstrate their power, they’ll hand the county administrator job to interim honcho Alan Mitchell, who will permanently oversee the area’s largest tax sinkhole and let boys act like boys. Local reporters, who think the mil rate is a new appetizer at the Green Mill, won’t cover the story until an irreversible vote has already been taken.
  
  
• Even as the OmniMax Theatre and Great Lakes Aquarium bleed dry, consultants will continue to paint a rosy picture of the proposed high-speed Duluth-Twin Cities train. Like weather forecasters and computer techs, consultants will draw bloated paychecks even if their work is flawed -- even if it’s pure nonsense designed only to endorse what promoters and politicians want to hear. When the venture fails miserably, nobody will be held accountable, just as nobody has been outed for the theater and aquarium failures. Again, taxpayers will eat the tab, and again, they’ll re-elect the same Democrats who repeatedly secure federal grants for doomed ventures, using it to leverage state loans, which in turn leverages local bonds in a gamble better suited for a casino. All the while, experienced private sector businessmen remain silent for fear of endangering their own sweetheart TIF deals.

That’s the dire picture in a city where financial and political incompetence has become institutionalized. Those of us who stay here obviously support this brand of ineffective hocus pocus, even as Duluth gasps for air. Rather than speak up, opponents flee to Hermantown, Proctor, Esko, Carlton, Wrenshall and Cloquet, where there’s less of an appetite for sure failure.

It’s a recipe for disaster that could bear an abundance of fruit as the economy degenerates during 2009.

Writer Ron Brochu barks like a rabid dog during lapses when he can’t afford professional therapy. He archives his goofy ramblings at www.ronbrochublog.com and invites others to join the rant, even though most people, including outright misfits, have better things to do.

Published in the Dec. 26 Northland Reader.